Ponderings . . .

It was weird on the drive back home I was thinking about how many people have commented on my writing. I started it for myself, but I will continue it for others. I feel very blessed to know that I have helped other through their own trials by my writing.

I feel that I have had some blessing of my own lately. This last year has been a rough one full of ALOT of loneliness but through it all I have learned that I am okay on my own. I do not need someone beside me every step of the way when I have the Lord. I am a strong person.

Its interesting for as much as I have dwelled on being alone I just gave up. I had a really good friend tell me that if I could not be happy on my own then I could never be happy in a relationship. It hurt like hell to hear him say that but it was the truth. Although this person is no longer in my life I know that he was put in my life for a season to help me talk and move on from my losses. To make me laugh and show me how to live again. I will forever be in his debt for this. It hurts , bad that he was only in my life for a season but I wish him nothing but happiness in his life. Anyways sorry random side note :) My blessing . . . . Its amazing when you quit looking for something it comes to you. I resigned my self to the fact that I was just going to be lonely and then wow this week I have had some pretty cool people put into my life. I am really excited to get to know them better and see what my future holds.

Every night I read Jeremiah 29:11 and my plans he has for me are finally coming to light.

Although I have had to go through some hard times and alot of tears to get to where I am now I would not change any of it for it has made me who I am today.

Time just keeps going . . .

Cannot believe its been soo long since I last wrote. Obviously writing and getting some things off my chest did me some good. I do not feel so claustrophobic anymore. I can breathe again. I feel like a new me. Now don't get me wrong, not every things okay. As much as I feel like I am finding my way back to what I like to refer to as the "old" me. I still feel lost in some areas. As I write not knowing what to write about God is currently putting something on my heart. I know its something other have struggled with as I have myself. . .

I am way to trusting of a person. Some would call me naive. I just REALLY want to see the good in everyone. I will trust you until you hurt me and then again after that. I do not put up walls for people to break through or make them just through hoops. I just trust them one hundred percent from the first time I meet them. Some have told me I should not do that, that I will get hurt. Believe me I have and it sucks. But no matter how many times I get hurt and let down I cannot change. Maybe I should guard my feeling and my heart, but then I I did that then I wouldn't really be me.

For those that hurt other and lie I just ask why? Do you feel better about yourself when you put other down? Do you lie so much that you are even lying to yourself. Are the lies between the truth and the lies blurred? I just ask that when you open your mouth to lie, remember you are lying to the one that would trust you to the end of time. The one who believes you would never hurt them. The one who thinks that you will be here forever.

Faces

It seems like I am always putting on different faces. I can never really be me. People may ask how I am doing but they really don't want to know the answer. I mean how do you respond to great, I love waking up alone knowing that I will be alone the whole day. Wonderful I dread going to bed cause I know I am going to wake up and the bad dream will be my reality. How do you respond to things like that. I cannot cry as the tears only show weakness. I have to be strong. I am a fighter. Deep down not so much. Only a few know the real me and those few are the ones who truly know how I am doing. They do not even have to ask. They just look in to my eyes and know. Most do not really care but the true ones do. Most ask out of obligation and kindness. To those I am say I am fine, doing great, and give a big smile. They think everything is really fine. They do not have a cluen that it is taking all I have in me to stand there and talk without falling apart. Its getting better day by day, but the healing is a slow process. Maybe one day I will be able to retire all my faces and just be me.

Questions

NO matter how strong my faith is I still have my moments of doubts, of questioning God. I know that he will never give me more than I can handle and that if he brings me to it then he will bring me through it but seriously when will I ever catch a break. I really just want to be happy to have someone in my live who loves the hell outta me. Is that too much to ask for. It seems like I ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. A failed engagement, debt, loosing Cody, etc, etc, etc. It just keeps going. I know that others are also facing things sometimes much harder things than me but seriously I am raising a child on my own. Its sort of comical to think back, I NEVER wanted kids. I really never though I would have them much less be a single mother. God does have his own plan for us all. I know that there are reasons why he has done the things that he has with my life. I know that going through all of this will make me a stronger person in the end. I know that every person he has put in my life rather it be for a moment or a lifetime has been for a reason. I really just wish that he would cut me a break. I mean really am I not strong enough? What more does he have in store for me?

Relationships

Relationships of all kinds are really amazing to me. I believe God truly chooses whom he puts in our lives. Some are here just for a short while and others forever, but that all leave a mark on our heart. My best friend is back from college its amazing how you get us together and it like we have been together every minute for the last four years even tho we have only seen each other a handful of times. God makes some relationship soo deep and true that they last a lifetime. I am soo thankful for that.

I think the hardest relationships are those with people that are only in our lives for a short time. I really hate change so to loose theses people regardless of the reason is hard for me. I know that God has his great plan and sometimes we only need to learn a lesson from theses people and then their time in our lives is done. It just really sucks to loose touch with someone who is still there. I feel that is far easier to loose some one who has died. I know that people go their own separate ways but I feel as if I did something wrong to loose them. Its a very hard lesson but I have had to learn that I cannot keep putting myself out there for the one who cannot make time for me. It just sets me up to get hurt. I guess I just care too much.

Writing

Writing is so freeing for me. Its my release. My way to just let everything go and move on. When I write I feels as if I can do anything. I am on top of the world. All of my problems don't seem so large once I get them down on paper and out of my head. I write because I need to and love it. I write for others. I write to give hope, to overcome sadness, and to find joy.

Its funny I used to write all the time in high school, more poetry and I was so at peace with myself and where I was going. I knew who I was. I need to find my writing from then and post them. But for now I will write again and in the process hopeful find myself again. I know that through all the twists and turns and bumps I have lost myself. Slowly piece by piece I am finding me again.

Til next time . . .

Emotions

This is something that has been laying on my heart for awhile so here goes. There are soo many emotions out them and I believe I have been through them all. Happiness, sadness, grief, anger, sorrow, optimism, lust, love, envy, disbelief, and on and on. I truly believe the hardest emotion of all to go though is loneliness. Is weird to be all alone & lonely. Its like the silence just overtakes you. You want someone with you but there is no one. No one to talk to, no one to share the amazing and funny things that happened in your day, no one to just sit and snuggle on the couch with. There is no one but you. Your brain takes over thinking about what could of been and what should of been. You over analyze every possibly way it could of played out. Everything thing that got you to where you are now.

Honestly I would much rather go through any other emotion any given day than loneliness. I would cry a thousand tears if I never had to be alone again. People do not understand until they too are completely alone. We are all faced with this emotion at one point in our lives and how we each deal with is is different from teh next peopel. Many sink into a deep depression while others are fighters. I chose to fight the loneliness, to bring people into my life, to remember that even in my deepest sorrow God is ALWAYS with me.

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved." Mother Theresa