Ponderings . . .

It was weird on the drive back home I was thinking about how many people have commented on my writing. I started it for myself, but I will continue it for others. I feel very blessed to know that I have helped other through their own trials by my writing.

I feel that I have had some blessing of my own lately. This last year has been a rough one full of ALOT of loneliness but through it all I have learned that I am okay on my own. I do not need someone beside me every step of the way when I have the Lord. I am a strong person.

Its interesting for as much as I have dwelled on being alone I just gave up. I had a really good friend tell me that if I could not be happy on my own then I could never be happy in a relationship. It hurt like hell to hear him say that but it was the truth. Although this person is no longer in my life I know that he was put in my life for a season to help me talk and move on from my losses. To make me laugh and show me how to live again. I will forever be in his debt for this. It hurts , bad that he was only in my life for a season but I wish him nothing but happiness in his life. Anyways sorry random side note :) My blessing . . . . Its amazing when you quit looking for something it comes to you. I resigned my self to the fact that I was just going to be lonely and then wow this week I have had some pretty cool people put into my life. I am really excited to get to know them better and see what my future holds.

Every night I read Jeremiah 29:11 and my plans he has for me are finally coming to light.

Although I have had to go through some hard times and alot of tears to get to where I am now I would not change any of it for it has made me who I am today.

Time just keeps going . . .

Cannot believe its been soo long since I last wrote. Obviously writing and getting some things off my chest did me some good. I do not feel so claustrophobic anymore. I can breathe again. I feel like a new me. Now don't get me wrong, not every things okay. As much as I feel like I am finding my way back to what I like to refer to as the "old" me. I still feel lost in some areas. As I write not knowing what to write about God is currently putting something on my heart. I know its something other have struggled with as I have myself. . .

I am way to trusting of a person. Some would call me naive. I just REALLY want to see the good in everyone. I will trust you until you hurt me and then again after that. I do not put up walls for people to break through or make them just through hoops. I just trust them one hundred percent from the first time I meet them. Some have told me I should not do that, that I will get hurt. Believe me I have and it sucks. But no matter how many times I get hurt and let down I cannot change. Maybe I should guard my feeling and my heart, but then I I did that then I wouldn't really be me.

For those that hurt other and lie I just ask why? Do you feel better about yourself when you put other down? Do you lie so much that you are even lying to yourself. Are the lies between the truth and the lies blurred? I just ask that when you open your mouth to lie, remember you are lying to the one that would trust you to the end of time. The one who believes you would never hurt them. The one who thinks that you will be here forever.

Faces

It seems like I am always putting on different faces. I can never really be me. People may ask how I am doing but they really don't want to know the answer. I mean how do you respond to great, I love waking up alone knowing that I will be alone the whole day. Wonderful I dread going to bed cause I know I am going to wake up and the bad dream will be my reality. How do you respond to things like that. I cannot cry as the tears only show weakness. I have to be strong. I am a fighter. Deep down not so much. Only a few know the real me and those few are the ones who truly know how I am doing. They do not even have to ask. They just look in to my eyes and know. Most do not really care but the true ones do. Most ask out of obligation and kindness. To those I am say I am fine, doing great, and give a big smile. They think everything is really fine. They do not have a cluen that it is taking all I have in me to stand there and talk without falling apart. Its getting better day by day, but the healing is a slow process. Maybe one day I will be able to retire all my faces and just be me.

Questions

NO matter how strong my faith is I still have my moments of doubts, of questioning God. I know that he will never give me more than I can handle and that if he brings me to it then he will bring me through it but seriously when will I ever catch a break. I really just want to be happy to have someone in my live who loves the hell outta me. Is that too much to ask for. It seems like I ALWAYS get the short end of the stick. A failed engagement, debt, loosing Cody, etc, etc, etc. It just keeps going. I know that others are also facing things sometimes much harder things than me but seriously I am raising a child on my own. Its sort of comical to think back, I NEVER wanted kids. I really never though I would have them much less be a single mother. God does have his own plan for us all. I know that there are reasons why he has done the things that he has with my life. I know that going through all of this will make me a stronger person in the end. I know that every person he has put in my life rather it be for a moment or a lifetime has been for a reason. I really just wish that he would cut me a break. I mean really am I not strong enough? What more does he have in store for me?

Relationships

Relationships of all kinds are really amazing to me. I believe God truly chooses whom he puts in our lives. Some are here just for a short while and others forever, but that all leave a mark on our heart. My best friend is back from college its amazing how you get us together and it like we have been together every minute for the last four years even tho we have only seen each other a handful of times. God makes some relationship soo deep and true that they last a lifetime. I am soo thankful for that.

I think the hardest relationships are those with people that are only in our lives for a short time. I really hate change so to loose theses people regardless of the reason is hard for me. I know that God has his great plan and sometimes we only need to learn a lesson from theses people and then their time in our lives is done. It just really sucks to loose touch with someone who is still there. I feel that is far easier to loose some one who has died. I know that people go their own separate ways but I feel as if I did something wrong to loose them. Its a very hard lesson but I have had to learn that I cannot keep putting myself out there for the one who cannot make time for me. It just sets me up to get hurt. I guess I just care too much.

Writing

Writing is so freeing for me. Its my release. My way to just let everything go and move on. When I write I feels as if I can do anything. I am on top of the world. All of my problems don't seem so large once I get them down on paper and out of my head. I write because I need to and love it. I write for others. I write to give hope, to overcome sadness, and to find joy.

Its funny I used to write all the time in high school, more poetry and I was so at peace with myself and where I was going. I knew who I was. I need to find my writing from then and post them. But for now I will write again and in the process hopeful find myself again. I know that through all the twists and turns and bumps I have lost myself. Slowly piece by piece I am finding me again.

Til next time . . .

Emotions

This is something that has been laying on my heart for awhile so here goes. There are soo many emotions out them and I believe I have been through them all. Happiness, sadness, grief, anger, sorrow, optimism, lust, love, envy, disbelief, and on and on. I truly believe the hardest emotion of all to go though is loneliness. Is weird to be all alone & lonely. Its like the silence just overtakes you. You want someone with you but there is no one. No one to talk to, no one to share the amazing and funny things that happened in your day, no one to just sit and snuggle on the couch with. There is no one but you. Your brain takes over thinking about what could of been and what should of been. You over analyze every possibly way it could of played out. Everything thing that got you to where you are now.

Honestly I would much rather go through any other emotion any given day than loneliness. I would cry a thousand tears if I never had to be alone again. People do not understand until they too are completely alone. We are all faced with this emotion at one point in our lives and how we each deal with is is different from teh next peopel. Many sink into a deep depression while others are fighters. I chose to fight the loneliness, to bring people into my life, to remember that even in my deepest sorrow God is ALWAYS with me.

"The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved." Mother Theresa

Faith

In a really good place currently physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Its such an amazing feeling when you release yourself. Its nice to know that if he bring you to it, he will bring you thought it. Slowly I am getting through it. Its amazing how life works. When all is stacked against you and you are ready to give you see one little speck of light and then another and another until all that is shining through the dark clouds is the bright light. Life is not easy. We are often pushed to point of breaking. That's when the strong rise above and the weak fall. There has been plenty of times that I have wanted to quit but something would not let me. I am learning more every day to listen to my instincts are they are true.

I know that people wonder in amazement how I do it. Honestly on my exterior I may show a brave front when inside its all I can do to stand. Its not easy ever. There are always to choices to succumb to everything that is weighing you down or to overcome it. I have chosen to overcome it. Actually I really didn't have a choice I have a child I have to live for. I have to be strong and brave for him. I have to carry on for him. I also have to do it for Christ.

The day my life changed FOREVER

Its weird to write about this, but having just gone through the year anniversary of Cody's death I feel a strong urge to write about it. To get it out and help with my own healing. Its a long road when you loose someone so dear and close to you so unexpectedly. I can still remember that day like it was yesterday. Its weird to think that hes been gone for over a year. There are some days I still find myself waiting for him to come home, only to remember hes never coming home. Just a fair warning continue on if you can, I know this will be hard for many to read but here is my experiences from that day.

The morning started out like any other typical morning. WE had spent the weekend at Florence in a house we rented with some friends. We had an amazing time of riding 4 wheelers and hanging out. Cody had so much fun just putting around in the Kabota with Braydon in his car seat strapped next to him on teh seat. Anyways back to that morning I remember him coming in, giving me a kiss and staying goodbye. I rolled over and went back to sleep like I did every morning. A while later my alarm went off and I got up and ready for my day. I had to work so I got Braydon ready and headed into town. I had not made it very far down the road when I had to stop for flaggers. There way a few cars ahead of me but I could not see much as they stopped us on top of the hill and something had happened at the bottom. As I was waiting there an ambulance drove by with its lights on. Shortly after they let us drive again. Coming upon the wreck I saw a vehicle to my right in down the steep embankment in the small creek. It was weird at the time because I was wondering to my self what type of vehicle it even was because it was so smashed up I couldn't tell. I slowly dove past the vehicle. After I passed it I felt an urge to look over my right shoulder, as I turned my head I saw the logo on the side of the vehicle and instantly knew whose it was. All i remember it stopping my truck in the middle of the road and getting out. I was running toward the police officers ans rescue workers. I was yelling over and over who's vvehicle is that, who's vehicle is that. I told them never mind I all ready knew it was Cody's. One they asked me who I was they confirmed my worst fear it was Cody work truck. It was so unrecognizable because it rolled. He drove a F250 with a truck box & diesel tank in the back. All of that was thrown out of the truck. The police officer had another officer come over and speak to me. I told them to call my mom now. As the officer talked to me all I heard was that they had put the paddles on him and I blacked. I don't remember what she said next. I remember walking calmly back to the truck. A dear neighbor who is a volunteer firefighter in kings valley was sitting with me. he asked me where I wanted to go and I said to the hospital of course. In my mind that where Cody was at as I had saw the ambulance leave with my own two eyes. Next the officer came back. He was talking about things saying my mom was on her way and the Chaplin. I remember thinking why in the hell do we need a Chaplin when Cody is at the hospital. I must of said it aloud cause eh said that Cody was deceased. Wow I though I had lost is before. I just remember crying and saying it wasn't so. Poor Braydon sat next to me int eh truck so calm and sarine. He was looking off into the distance babbling and smiling. I believe now that he could see his daddy. Shortly thereafter Cody dad & step mom arrived. Mom tears more questioning more disbelieving. Then my parents arrived. They helped me gather Braydon & took me to their vehicle. As I was leaving out comes Cody best friend. He had heard and didn't believe it. Had had to see it for himself. I had to tell him it was true. We hugged and cried more tears. I didn't want to leave but they made me. I found out later her was still int eh vehicle and they didn't want me to see that. Its weird its like the rest of the day went in slow motion. I remember my phone ringing and ringing. I jusrt gave it to my mom to answer. Small town shit travels fast. I remember going into work and they all ready knew. I just looked at Darr and cried. I remember the officer coming to Cody moms house to explain to everyone what they found and thought had happened. I just sat there listening I was there but I wasn't. It was a total y out of body experience. I remember going to the funeral home that day. That was so hard. I dint think I could go in. With alot of encouragement I did it. He didn't look as bad as I though he would but it was soo hard. I lost it again. I remember crying, yelling at God. How was i going to raise a child on my own. I could never do by myself for Braydon what Cody wanted so badly fro him.

Although I may never understand why God took Ody from me and Braydon I know that I am a stronger woman for going through what i have. I know that although it was a terrible thing some good had come from it. It has taken my over a year to see the good but I have. I have connected with some amazing people because I have went through this.

Just thinking . . .

Wow I have soo much I want to write about but have no clue where to begin. Maybe I should just tell everyone about my crazy life at this moment. Soo about me I am a single mother of a very active almost two year old boy. He keeps me very busy. I live out in the sticks, but I love it. Soo many of my friends and family are tying to get me closer to town. I know its because they worry about me. Seriously though who would come bother me what with 4 dogs and goat (whom thinks hes a dog). No one would stand a chance. I work full time as a licensed veterinary technician and part time as a Mary Kay beauty consultant. Never though I would ever be selling makeup but it has become a very good thing for me spiritually. On my day off I try to take Braydon to story time at the library, swim lessons, or just go play at the park. I also have horses and ride. Now that (horses) along with writing are my true passions. I can never see my life without horses in them. Braydon loves them as much as me. It was an instant bond between him and my mare. Can you see we just love animals in general. Our zoo includes 4 dogs, 3 cats, 3 horses, a goat, and a fish. Braydon and I and all of the animals (aside from the horses of course) reside in an OLD single wide trailer. But hey it has additions which makes it soo much cooler. I love my little family & trailer we live in. So thats a tidbit about me. In the posts to follow you will hear more about my life stories and some lessons learned.

James 1:2-4

Dear brothers and Sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.

Life Just Happens . . .

Soo I have never really wanted to tell people my story and what I have been through for fear they would feel sorry for me. I do not want people to pity or feel sorry for me. I have come to endure my pain and trial for they have made me who I am today. Through all of them I have found a new faith in God. I hope that by reading my blogs people can gain a new understanding and insight about their own life. If I can make a difference in one persons life then my goal has been met.

I have went thru the whole blaming God phase. Why do I always have to deal with the tough stuff while others who seamless worthy are able just to coast through life Scot free. I have gained a new understanding that God "uses" the bad things he knows are going to happen in order to achieve the good things he desires. I also know that every single bad thing that happens to you in your life can be transformed into something good. God promises that ALL things work together for good, for those who love God and are called according to his purpose. God does not promise that most things will work for good but again that ALL tings will work for good.

In the beginning I know that it was hard to see any good that has come from all of my bad experiences. Really what good can come from a failed engagement, debt, my babies father dying, and from attempting to raise a child as a single mother. I could not see any good from any of those experiences in the beginning but every so slowly God is showing me some of the good that he has planned for me. In this life we may never know the whys to everything but we just have to trust that God knows what is best for us. Til next time . . .